Bridenapping = Eloping?

My landlady’s eldest daughter was bridenapped last week. According to the volunteer whom is temporary living with her family, some people came by their house late at night asking her to go to a store to help a relative. She went, but it was a trap. The people drove her not to the store, but to the house of her future husband, and then she was married. She was not all for this, and neither was her family, but is staying with the person and my landlady has no plans to get her back.

In a nutshell, this is how bridenapping works: the woman is taken, and then married with or without her consent. Bridenapping is not limited to Kazakhstan as many countries in Central Asia as well as and other countries around the world do it. If you do not like the idea of men stealing women to become their brides, you are not alone. When the Russians took over Kazakhstan, one of the first things they did was outlaw bridenapping. Although current accurate official statistics on bridenapping are practically impossible to obtain, many anthropologists and sociologists believe that bridenappings in the Central Independent States (CIS) are on the rise again. The academics give several possible reasons such as a rise in nationalism over gender issues in the wake of independence, the reluctance of families to use the legal system regarding bridenappings, the re-emphasis on traditional culture after the fall of communism, etc. etc. It could be all of these things. It could be none of these things. I don’t know. However, I do know that bridenapping happens enough that people know and talk about it, but it is not a common occurrence. This is just my personal opinion (no concrete statistics to back it up) but to me, the frequency of bridenapping is comparable to the frequency of eloping in the Western world. When I first heard of bridenapping, I thought it was a horrible thing and that it was wrong 100% of the time. However, this is not true. Love is complicated. So is bridenapping.

In many cases in recent times, bridenapping (at least how my local friends, co-workers and my landlady explained it) is consensual and is not like the “abduct and hold against the will” style like the past. I was skeptical (and still am) but I asked them to produce some real-life situations. They told me these:

1. 1. Weddings are expensive. Many weddings in Kazakhstan last all day, and some go for multiple days. You could pay for the breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 100+ relatives and friends for a weekend, or you could borrow a friend’s car, drive to the woman’s house, and bridenap her after asking her politely, of course. Instead of blowing lots of money on the wedding, they use it to buy a house, car, or whatever they need to start their lives together.

2. 2. The “Romeo and Juliet” situation: Boy likes girl, girl likes boy, but both families hate each other. This could be for several reasons, from the good ol’ “he/she is not right to you”, to religious, cultural, or ethnic differences. Instead of not marrying, (an unhappy ending, but better than Shakespeare’s version), the guy could bridenap the girl, whereas both families will probably accept the marriage. The couple then lives happy ever after, but with angry in-laws.

. 3. As a reaction against arranged marriages. Some families in Kazakhstan and other CIS countries arrange their marriages. The couple may resort to bridenapping because he or she is promised to someone else. If the woman or man is married before their arranged person, many times the arranged marriage is cancelled.

With those situations, bridenapping can equal a happy ending because both parties love each other, and they both have consented to the bridenapping. In these cases, bridenapping is a way for couples to save money or to defy their parent’s wishes. Even angry in-laws and family members can’t stand in the way of true love (or an official marriage).

However, I get a sick feeling when I think of the women whom are bridenapped without consent. In these cases, the women do not want to get married, wish to wait until they have established a career, finish university, or are bridenapped by the wrong person. When this situation happens, the woman’s life is derailed. While it is possible for the woman to leave or for her family to get her back, this can stigmatize the woman and family severely in the community, perhaps to the point where she may never have any male suitors again.